Arefeh – Hand on Heart
Arefeh.
I feel a longing for my homeland. My homeland is a place within my heart. I designed and painted a heart. It sits somewhere in the middle of nature. It has a forest. It has a rainbow, a sky and earth. It has hands from which a plant has grown. I’m not sure what all the elements of my painting mean. Right now, as I write about it, I feel afraid. Is what I drew the same as what I wanted? The same as what it was supposed to be from the beginning? Did I go too far, or is my painting enough? Sometimes I think what I draw is different from what’s in my mind. Or maybe it’s exactly what’s in my mind. Accepting reality is frightening.
As I was finishing my painting, I noticed, or perhaps imagined, that with every line I added, every colour I added, the painting became more frightening. The painting didn’t turn out as I had designed. I drew black lines all across it, as though a heart were inside a prison. I wanted it to resemble a flower in a greenhouse, but it ended up looking more like a heart in a prison.
Sometimes I thought my painting wasn’t good enough. But when Ellie contacted me and said, “We took your painting to the exhibition and showed everyone, some people liked it”, in that moment, my eyes lit up with joy. A painting that even I wasn’t sure I loved had caught the attention of people. I was even afraid to see my painting in the gallery. I don’t know, maybe I didn’t care about it that much. But hearing that news made me happy.
Today I went back to painting class, and seeing my friends again made me happy. The fact that every time I have an excuse to do art, I get to see my friends gives me a sense of satisfaction. I think I’ve written more about myself than about my painting. If I want to talk about my painting, I think I like it. It’s a part of me. I painted the hands brown, the colour of soil, and on one hand, I drew straws, flowers as if growing from the earth. I drew a hand at the top of the painting holding a heart by a rope. I couldn’t assign a specific meaning to it, but it was something I wanted to draw. I collaged the lower part of the heart with green paper, which came to look like a great forest. I painted the left side of the heart red and filled it with red lines; those lines breathe new life into my heart. I painted the top of my heart with zebra-like stripes. I think it’s a blend of nature and animals. I love animals very much. What’s very interesting to me is that the painting, despite being unfinished, was displayed in the gallery. And some people even liked my unfinished painting. The things I left as they were, the upper right section of the heart and two butterflies, were left without colour. Sometimes I fight with myself from within, or I don’t feel satisfied with life. Sometimes this feeling passes quickly, but sometimes it stays with me for a while. I want to feel satisfied with the experiences I’ve had and am having in my life, and not blame myself. Perhaps sometimes it’s better to trust my feelings and let something go, like the heart I left unfinished. That’s not so bad either.
